Want to know something cool about power exchange? Something that most people don’t realize?
It isn’t all about power.
It isn’t all about any one thing. There are multiple fundamentally different metaphorical substances (energies? currencies? I’m struggling for the right word here) that different people practicing power exchange play with, of which power is only one. Even within a single relationship there’s often more than one kind of thing being played with all at the same time.
Those different substances are superficially similar enough that most of the time folks lump them all together under the label “power,” but distinct enough that understanding the differences can really help you clarify your dynamics and smooth out miscommunications with partners.
One way to break apart the lump is to distinguish power, authority and control as three separate things.
Power, in this sense, means the ability to do something.
If I hold my partner down so that they cannot move, that’s playing with power. I am using what I can do to control what they can do. Power doesn’t have to be physical. Some folks play with blackmail, such that the dominant partner has the ability to release some kind of embarrassing information about their submissive if they don’t obey. (Do I have to point out that that’s a risky kind of play and you ought only do it with someone who you have lots of good reason to trust?) A lot of hypnosis play is about the idea of feeling compelled to obey—being in your partner’s power.
Bratting often has a lot of power dynamic to it. What I would call the Conquest flavor of dominance is heavily associated with power, and sometimes Devaluation as well. (Though this model doesn’t map precisely onto the flavors model—the flavors of dominance divide power exchange in terms of what kinds of activities you’re doing, whereas here I’m talking more abstractly.)
But a lot of what we do in the name of power exchange is something else.
I tell my partner to go cook dinner, and they go and cook dinner. I’m not dragging them into the kitchen by their hair and shackling them to the stove. I’m not blackmailing them. If they don’t do what I tell them to do, the only consequence to them is that I’ll stop telling them what to do. What’s at play in that dynamic isn’t power; it’s authority.
Authority, for our purposes here, is the acknowledged right to make a decision. Authority in our world is very often backed up by power, but the two are not the same thing.
Everyone understands that D/s contracts are legally worthless, right? Signing one of those contracts gives a dominant no power over their submissive—no ability to force them to do anything. Instead, the contract is a formal statement that the submitting partner is giving their dominant the right to make some set of decisions for them—an acknowledgement of their authority.
Authority is often especially central in the Nurture, Control and Objectification flavors of dominance. In fact, I’d wager that a majority of power exchange dynamics in the world are more about authority than they are about power. That’s why some folks like to use the phrase “authority transfer” rather than power exchange.
I’m less interested in word choice than I am in noticing that there’s a difference between these kinds of dynamics. Because if one partner is saying “Just tell me what to do so I can obey,” and the other is saying “If you don’t resist me I never get to dominate,” it’s super helpful to understand that neither of them is wrong. It’s just that the first is wanting authority and the second is wanting power.
And that’s not all. I can think of at least one other common substance that power exchange plays with.
Management is directing or supervising something.
Think about an old timey sailing ship. The sailors have the power to steer the ship. If they don’t trim the sails and do all that stuff with ropes, the ship doesn’t go. The ship owner has the authority to decide the ship’s destination and cargo and whatnot. The captain manages how the ship is going to get to the destination the owner has decreed.
When I tell my partner I want dinner made, but I don’t care what it is or how they make it happen, I’m exercising authority but very little management. This is a very real example. I’ll eat pretty much anything and often don’t want to be bothered with figuring out what to have for dinner. Some submissive partners will love that opportunity to use their own judgment and initiative in service to their dominant. Others would feel disappointed and “un-dominated” because part of what they want is to feel managed.
When a partner asks me to help keep them accountable to the budget they’ve set, and I create a system for tracking their spending, checking up on them, and punishing them if they overspend—but the budget remains their goal and they can change it if they want—then I’m exercising management but not taking authority.
Management is often a big part of the Control, Service and Nurture flavors of dominance. It can also be a big part of what we might call “service dominance,” where we manage someone toward goals of their own choosing.
Much of the time we have relationships that blend bits of these three qualities in different amounts. Like most of my dynamic with my little girl is about Daddy’s authority, but sometimes it’s a lot of fun to grab her by the throat and drag her to where I want her.
They’re still different things, though, even when a single relationship engages with all three, and understanding that we are engaging with multiple different kinds of dynamic can help us understand our dynamics better.
This Sunday (8/25/24) my girl and I will be facilitating the Heart of Dominance Daylong, a full-day intensive on dominance in San Francisco!
Advance tickets are required. Get yours here.